Sunday, September 27, 2009

My Heart Says No... Not Yet.

She's two now.
She's not content to play by herself.
She wants to know everything and none of it is on PBS.
She can construct full sentences.
She needs two cookies instead of one.
She can release the belt on her car seat and open the van door.
She knows it's blue and not green.
She knows on Thursday morning that we will "go to Hennin's house."
She watches Coraline everyday.
She can do it herself.
She tells me to sshh!

She needs to play with other kids and grow.
I need time to put myself back together and heal.

But I just can't do it.
I can't drop her off.
I can't start that part of her life yet.
I can't let her run and color and play with strangers.
I'm not ready to make cupcakes for her class parties.
I can't kiss that little face and say good-bye not even for two days a week.
I want to stop time and watch her sleep.
I want all of her kisses and "hucks".
I guess I'm not the grown up after all.
She's only two.


phd in yogurtry said...

big hucks! you'll get there one day.

Stacie said...

Thanks. It's been a hard time for me. I have been on meds to keep PPD away and unlucky me, I have developed a tolerance for effexor. So I am in the withdrawal stage currently. I am either dizzy or sappy. Last night it was sappy, sulky, nostalgia. Today? More dizzy and irritable. I'm thinking I could just go as myself for Halloween if this keeps up! Nothing could be more scary!

Louise said...

There's no reason to do it yet. No reason at all. My daughter is 5 and has never been to preschool and won't go. My other daughter didn't go, either. I understand needing time for yourself and healing, but this time is so fleeting... SO fleeting. You know that. Sometimes I think of putting my youngest in school (she's old enough for Kindergarten, but not ready in my opinion, and way too mature for preschool) just for some totally peaceful days, but overall I want every second with her I can have. (I probably would have done it 2, though, if I thought the money was worth it because she wasn't at all charming then. Yours is a sweet angel!)

Stacie said...

Thanks Louise! I feel better not letting go just yet. I want her to be with me for a while longer. At least until kindergarten or when she turns 40!