Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Moment in the Life of a Comic Book Artist's Wife

Comic Book Conventions: Part 2 (or should I say "Issue 2")

I know that you all have paid good money for these lectures, so let's get down to brass tacks! There are a few items that you should be aware of at all times. Print them out, write them down, commit them to memory or you will be truly sorry. Today we will be discussing No. 1 as follows:

1. Never EVER speak to one of those people dressed up like Klingons (klingons being characters from Star Trek).

This is Warf. He's what a Klingon is supposed to look like.

Here is what they usually look like at San Diego Comicon. (Credit for this photo goes to www.popsci.com.)

or this..I love this picture mostly because of the guy on the left, but I have no idea where it came from. A friend sent it to me via email... that's all I know. If YOU know who took it (HAHAHAHHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAA!!!!!) **snort** let me know.

Okay, back to the lecture... as I was saying...

1. Never EVER speak to one of those people dressed up like Klingons (klingons being characters from Star Trek).

I mean don't say "Hello!", "How are you?", "Kiss my butt!" or anything else that will attract their attention! Allow me to illustrate with a short anecdote.

There I was... stupid, naive, newly wed, comic book artist's wife. I had just entered the enormous hall at the San Diego COMICON (say that with a booming Monster Truck Rally announcer's voice). I cannot express to you how huge this convention is. Let's just say that if you have to pee once you are inside the convention hall and you immediately start walking toward a bathroom, you'd better be able to hold it for at least 20 more minutes... Here are some pictures to put it in perspective:

Okay, so there I was with two freshly brewed cappuccinos in hand (the only dose of reality I had had for 24 hours) and I was returning to the booth where dear Tony was set up ready to greet fans. Just then, out of the blue, the convention doors are opened to the general public and swarms of people come gushing into the hall.

Let me put this picture in your mind.... The Hoover Dam cracking in two. Got it? Yes.

So I am holding my coffee just standing there like a deer in headlights staring at the crowd that will soon overtake me. Oh, and I was overtaken, lemme tell ya! Two gargantuan Klingons in full garb literally run over me, knocking my $6 cappuccinos to the ground. If it weren't for the nasty, grimy, gummy trash can they knocked me into, I am sure that I would have been flattened like Wiley Coyote. I was able to hold on for dear life until the immediate rush was over. I was mad, of course. But they were polite enough to apologize... in KLINGON! "QUA SHO NAK... BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!" (As I have no idea what they were actually saying, I am sticking with the whole apology translation.) The more I tried to speak to them in ENGLISH, the more they spoke to me in that SCI FI, DUMBASS, LOOKS-LIKE-YOU-HAVE-A-HORSESHOE-CRAB-ON-YOUR-FOREHEAD language. As you can imagine, I was reeaaaaally mad then. I flung what was left of my cappuccinos into that nasty trash can while cursing the very soul of Gene Roddenberry, Spock, and the Priceline Negotiator all at the same time.

Here is where I immediately returned to. The Hyatt. And that, my dear friends, is where I stayed.

So, in conclusion, just stay away from the Klingon crowds. Try not to make eye contact. Just act like you are on a New York subway train and look in the other direction toward say... the Superman crowd. At least for aliens, the do speak some form of earthling.


hellomelissa said...

oh, and the the klingons in charlotte pretend to be your friend and then ask you for money! it's for charity, i know, but i steer clear of them, too.

phd in yogurtry said...

I don't know, this advice might be a little too hard to follow. But, I WILL TRY.

And this made me spill my coffee:


I mean, what do you have against horseshoe crabs?

Oh My Goddess said...

I can honestly say I will never be in the same universe as Klingonwannabee's.

I am proud of you for not giving them the Vulcan death grip.

Live long and prosper.


Stacie said...

Melissa- I know! And they have no problem speaking English either when it's to drain your pockets!

Phd-I know this is salt of the earth advice. You'll get it.. don't worry. AND it DOES look like a horseshoe crab! I can't help it. It's all I see when I look at them.

Goddess- I love that when reply I have to call you Goddess. Calling you Oh My just wouldn't have the same impact. I try to get my 14 year old son to call me the Goddess of his life... sometimes he does when he wants something...

I was so unprepared for this life I married into. i now have an unnatural fear of people in bad Klingon costumes.

Brian Miller said...

congrats on the OMG award...i can speak a little Klingon...i know i am a geek...the word verification "trugnor" means great post! lol.

Stacie said...

Brian- Thanks for the kudos! I didn't even know my blog was included this week until i saw your post. Then i was like..OMG..OMG...From where do I know that? Well, brain damage comes when one plans a huge Halloween party with a 2 year old terror running around. Loved your post!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I was in Vegas once during one of these. I did not make eye contact.

peeree3 said...

OK, I have to give a pass to the Klingon ladies (matrons, warrioresses, not sure of the honorific here) at Charlotte. While the rest of us are working for personal gain, shopping, or acting the fool (I see you Tri pay-pay), they are collecting for a vary noble cause. It even fits with their chosen race identities. I always give them my change, even though their response (HUZZAH rzypqwmhtzx) may mean "thanks" or "bite me human." Someday, (hopefully) many years from now, I may pray for death, and moriphine, and the Klingon Hospice Ladies of Death will remember!

Stacie said...

So true peeree3! They do dispense the morphine. Must remember that!

Mary Alice said...

That sounds awful. Nothing makes me madder than a spilled latte!

Carmen and Ginger said...


This really was a "LOL" for me! (and I referenced Star Trek in my latest post too...go figure!)