There are some days when I absolutely, 100 %, totally, and completely HATE being a wife and mother. For all of you out there that are gasping in shock and disgust I say "Get over it!" and "I am just sayin' what every mom feels but most don't say." I am hoping that someone out there feels like I do...or maybe I AM some kind of monster.
I have good kids...really good kids. I am lucky and blessed that they are healthy and happy. I feel unbelievably guilty because there are so many people that can't have kids or have sick children. When days like this arrive, I know that this is not who I am but a passing feeling; that a lot of this is my illness speaking (depression) and that I have good reason to be overwhelmed and ready to escape. That is logical Stacie speaking. The not-so-logical Stacie will continue to snap at her family all day, tear herself apart for doing so, be somewhat VERY cranky with her hovering worried husband who wants to "fix it", and think of fantastic ways of escaping alone to some exotic destination preferably Mediterranean (but I'll take my dear friend's kitchen table across the street).
I am sick of doing housework, laundry, keeping up with toddler, grocery shopping, keeping up with pets that seem to have every effing illness in the world, paying the bills, running every freakin' errand imaginable, picking up Troll Two from school and all that that involves (signing agendas, reviewing Wednesday folders, fussing because she didn't have her violin for class for the 3rd time), homeschooling Troll One, maintaining the car, worrying about the house that is falling down around my ears, keeping my artist husband on track (sometimes he needs a little push to get him to the drawing table), PICKING UP EVERYBODY ELSE'S CRAP CONSTANTLY... wait, I need to repeat that one, PICKING UP EVERYBODY ELSE'S CRAP CONSTANTLY... and the list goes on and on and on and on. And the most frustrating thing is that I'm not doing one thing on said list well.
I, YOURS TRULY, NUMERO UNO am EXHAUSTED, DONE, THROUGH...at least right now. I can't remember the last time I was totally alone in my house...I can't remember the last time I was totally alone ANYWHERE. And they, as in the group of aliens I live with, want to know "What's wrong?" and "Why are you so bitchy and assey, MOMMY...Oh and MOM ?I don't have a uniform for tomorrow?" No, they aren't allowed to cuss but that's the jist. In my mind's eye I am throwing things... like vases, dishes, the cat. In my mind's eye I am grabbing my keys, my purse, and walking my tired ass outta this house and driving... somewhere... anywhere that doesn't involve anything.
Okay, so I've said all of the things I shouldn't. And I know that tomorrow or the next day hopefully, I will be in love with my life once again... well, at least "in like" with it again.
Well, better go. Here comes hovering husband again... Where's that coat hanger???
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9 comments:
Poor you, you are feeling overwhelmed and sucked dry and you've had it up to here (holding my hand at eye level). Is it any wonder you want to run away from home all by yourself?
Now, mothers are never appreciated by there families, so you better get used to that, don't expect any accolades from that direction. It will never happen.
You are in a major funk and will have to try and get out of that with or without the help of someone. If you are not making it on your own, get someone to talk to. A shoulder to cry on and someone to help see you through it. It's the least you can do for yourself and I don't mean your neighbor and her kitchen table.
Struggling to get by is not okay. You have to do better than that, You deserve it. Just say that to yourself, that you deserve it. Everybody is entitled to peace of mind and a sense of tranquility. Go get it.
I so appreciate your input. I have had very little luck with therapy... I have to learn to cut out some stuff and learn to say, it's okay if that's not done or if it's not done perfectly...Most of all I need some time to myself...just to listen to the silence...
BTDT. It's ok. You'll get through it. I'll be the first to admit, being a mom is a lot like being a maid. No, it's exactly like being a maid. And I never said, "when I grow up I want to be a maid."
The tedious repetition of it all is what gets me so down. And when I do finally break out of my doldrums and clean and organize the kids bedroom? Man, does that feel GREAT, for about 30 seconds. And then it feels like shit because they can tear up a room faster than I can down a valium.
So yeah, I have been exactly where you are standing and lived to tell about it. I, too am thankful and grateful for my beautiful healthy kids, but it isn't a walk in the park most days.
Thanks for such a refreshingly honest post.
May I suggest tequila?
You can make anything funny. REALLY funny!
But I know you're serious, and YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE!!!
PICKING UP EVERYBODY ELSE'S CRAP CONSTANTLY is enough to make anyone crazy, let alone the rest.
In January I went on a business trip to a warmer locale than my own. I paid for the conference. Besides the general sessions, I was registered for 8 classes--4 one afternoon and 4 the next morning. In the past, this seminar has been one of my biggest motivation, idea, learning boosters. I was EXCITED about this because I had not been in two years.
I went to the first class the first afternoon. I nearly fell asleep. I decided to go back to the hotel and rest and come back for the last class because there was a huge party that night (you've seen that on my blog). On the way to the hotel, I decided to take a nap and skip all THREE classes that afternoon. I did and went to the party and had a great time. (I would not have had half as much fun if I had not rested.)
The next morning I decided to sleep in. I made it to the last class in the morning.
You must understand this is not like me. I am MRS. RESPONSIBLE. I am Mrs.-no-way-am-I-going-to-pay-for-something-and-not-get-the-benefit-from-it.
Also, I have never, ever suffered from anything that resembles depression. I only say that because...
being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. All the other things that go along with that are HARD. And they wear us out.
So what I decided is that all mothers (and lots of wives, because they might as well be mothers) of children at home need:
An alone-vacation to a lovely spot at least once a year
OR
a vacation to a lovely spot at least once a year with low-maintenance friends that would not push their own agendas but let everyone do/be what they wanted.
As an introvert and a magnet high-maintenance friends, I am in favor of the alone vacation, but I can see myself having fun with a few of my friends.
This isn't funny. It isn't a whim. It's serious. I was gone for 6 days and mostly goofed off the whole time. I spent just over a full day doing "business" things, and you realize my "business" is fun. I felt WONDERFUL by the time it was over.
Yes, I already need it again, but I have to think if knew it was happening every January, I could look forward to it and get through it.
(Now who's writing their own blog on someone else's?)
My point is you NEED a vacation. It's necessary. Do what it takes to make it happen. The small children are the hardest because there are not always a lot of options for childcare (I have none... it adds greatly to my expense to do this because of childcare), but it is SO worth it. And you have to go without guilt and without preparing the family for nuclear winter before you leave (that defeats the purpose).
I hope something small is better soon or already for you.
Thank you all so much! I feel much better and have been "snapped out of it" by my sick little baby. She has a stomach flu and we've been in my bed for three days and 4 sets of sheets...
Phd- It is the repetition that sends me over the edge, the knowledge that it will end up a mess again, there will always be laundry, etc.
Reas- You absolutely may suggest tequila!! Where's that blender...aw hell I just may go for the shots!
Louise-My friend and i had gotten into the habit of going to the beach by ourselves for a few days..now, she and her husband are getting a photograpy studio together and are trying to build clients...I am sure we'll get back to our weekends away soon. She is the most NO maintenance friend in the world and is just so much fun to be around. I think your skipping classes at the convention was a true sign that you needed some "me" time and I am happy that you listened to the little voice in your head that said SLEEP!
Amen!
I think we all feel like that on certain days...hopefully less days than more.
Sleep and a warm bath helps...
thanks Texas Holly! Hope you're enjoying the blog vacation.
girls night out. now.
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